It was a roller coaster weekend for college football coaches, with first the suspension of Jim Harbaugh, then the firing of both Jimbo Fisher at Texas A&M and Zach Arnett at Mississippi State, two schools that ironically played each other on Saturday. Throw into the mix the Andy Avalos dismissal at Boise State and the Brady Hoke retirement announcement at San Diego State and every level of college football is already on the coaching carousel for 2023.
Somehow stealing the headlines away from the fiasco that is the Michigan spying scandal was the incredulous buyout that Texas A&M owes Jimbo. $76 million in full, which is a staggering amount and more than triples the previous biggest payout in college football coaching history. So I wondered what I would do with $76 million.
Of course, I would buy a nice car, some nice things for family and friends and a new house, but I figured I could come up with some ways to spend that cash on sports as well. Here’s how I would spend Jimbo’s cash.
Buy a European soccer league
Actors Rob McElhenny and Ryan Reynolds paid roughly $2.4 million for fifth-tier Welsh soccer club Wrexham AFC in 2020, but why should I stop there? There are 24 teams in the league. By my math, that’s $57.6 million. You could even get by cheaper if you bought in a different country. I’ve never wanted to be a cocaine kingpin, but I did think it was cool that Pablo Escobar was able to buy Colombian league trophies. The best way to guarantee that I win would be a good old-fashioned monopoly.
Go to every big rivalry game
I remember watching a Duke game (pretty sure it was Duke-UNC) at Cameron Indoor and seeing Billy Tubbs and Barry Switzer sitting on the baseline. It was such a cool scene to see two guys who just wanted the Cameron Crazies experience, sitting and living their best lives in the best seats. If I just got the buyout that Jimbo did, I would be as present, but a fraction as noticeable, as Marlins Man is at every big baseball game. You’d see me in the crowd at The Big House on Saturday and courtside for Bucks/Celtics on Sunday, then maybe in London for Spurs and Chelsea on a Monday. Don’t forget, always root for the home team.
Buy a golf course
In 2020, Gold Canyon Golf Resort in Arizona sold for $30 million. Why not just live on the resort on that sweet, sweet buyout money? I could invite over as many or as few friends as I wanted and just work on my golf game. Cart-path-only doesn’t apply when you own the place. I always thought it was a baller move for Howard Hughes to buy the Desert Inn when they tried to kick him out in 1967, but unlike Howard, I would need to get outside and be in nature a little bit.
Bring back the All-College Tournament
If you are an OKC-area child of the 90’s like me, your Christmas break might’ve revolved around watching some college basketball in the incomparable Myriad. We’re likely getting a new stadium soon, so let’s bring it back. The best part is that now OU and OSU could actually both play in the event. In the past, they avoided playing each other because they were conference foes. They are conference foes no more. Let’s get OU against some rumdum and OSU against East Popcorn State and have Bedlam at The All-College every year.
Follow my favorite team for an entire season
I’ve always wished to have the time and money to get on a plane and go wherever the Green Bay Packers go for an entire season. Good tickets at every game, luxurious Airbnb’s, and a chance to experience the best of every NFL stadium. Even more fun would be following Manchester City, not only all around England but to North America for the preseason or other European countries for the Champions League.
Buy a college basketball team
Hey, it’s not even illegal anymore for me to tell you that I would gladly be the big-money donor behind a college basketball team’s success. If you give me $76 million, you can best bet we would have a roster that would rival Ricky Roe, Neon Boudeaux and Butch McRae on the 1993-94 Western University Dolphins team. Porter Moser and Mike Boynton should get on the phones right now and see if Jimbo has any interest.
Sponsor a bowl game
According to a quick Google search, sponsoring a lower-tier bowl game costs between $350,000-$500,000. If I had just been fired by Texas A&M, I would try and sponsor every single bowl game that A&M might be playing in for the next decade or so. Could you imagine A&M playing Wake Forest in the Jimbo Fisher Bowl? That’s the level of pettiness I would be shooting for.